I've had enough

Really I have.  I've been dealing with back pain since I about.... 10-12 years old.  I've been fighting severe back pain since 2001 non-stop.  Now I've been dealing with the issues in my neck & shoulder for about 5-8 years.  It's gotten more severe in the last 2 years.  Since January, it seems like it's gotten a lot worse, but it's mostly been lots of different types and sources of pain popping up randomly; worse yet is that it's all severe.  Every couple of months, I have a mental/emotional breakdown.  I work hard every day to block out the pain and every now and then I cannot take it anymore.

Today is one of those days.  Actually, it started Wednesday night.  But my breaking point happened today.  I woke up pissed off.  Two of my co-workers (and great friends) let me throw a nutty this morning before work.  They found it hilarious.  I almost called in sick to work today.  But I had three reasons why I didn't:

1. I would see myself as a sissy for missing work due to excruciating pain.
2. There have been a ridiculous number of absences in my department this week, that we are on the radar at the moment.
3. What am I going to do at home?  Sit around and mope about being in pain?

I'm just so angry and I can't help it.  I'm not angry with Doc; he's doing everything he can to fix me.  I have at least 2 more months of this.  Oh yeah....  And he also wants to alleviate the issues in my lower back when we're done with my neck/shoulders.  So add another month or two (or three) after that.  Ugh.  I don't know who I'm angry at.  Or what.  Just angry.  With myself?  Maybe.  So frustrating.

I'm supposed to have goals for my triathlon season this year and I just feel dismayed.  My first race is in 50 days.  Kind of unsettling to me.  I'm not where I should be training-wise except in swimming.  I guess I should scrap all of my athletic goals for this year?  "Just focus on getting better."  Doc wants me to keep training; he says it'll help.  I'm just limited on what I can and can't do.  I have to make adjustments for my injuries.

Most of my co-workers and friends tell me that I'm nuts for doing triathlons, riding motorcycles, riding MX, etc.  I've been told that my injuries have been signs "from God" that I should give it up.  Days like today I do wonder why I even bother.  I have to schedule my whole life around my pain.  Rather inconvenient.

I know my boyfriend is tired of my complaining about my pain.  I'm starting to think it may be straining our relationship.  I hope not though.

I see Doc again today.  I'm so over this pain.