The memorial service for Goose was good. The Marine honor guard was great, but very haunting. Tons of tears were shed during the service, but lots of laughs were shared during the reception afterward.
Goose's death brings a lot of emotional turmoil for me. Training seems to help quiet it down temporarily. Friday I trained for my upcoming race. I did a 550 yard swim (two segments: 350 & 200), bike for 9 miles, and run for 2+ miles. I kept the effort level pretty low overall and still had better times than I did at last year's race. I find this amusing in some ways.
I noticed that each time I trained during the week, I found a lot of inner peace. It was a nice break from the sudden tears that seem to attack me randomly. I didn't get to swim much since my last lesson, but when I did I found myself more focused than usual. It was nice. I had a lesson yesterday; prior to it, I thought I might be unprepared for it. Bill said it best as we were getting ready to start: "Ready to focus only on swimming?"
When I'm not training, playing music, or writing, I'm pretty scatter-brained and spaced out these days. I don't know how to grieve. My depression and anxiety problems make me timid to have an emotional breakdown so I usually "suck it up" instead of having a good cry.
Needless to say, the lesson with Bill was great. My concentration faltered a little here and there, but he kept me on point. When we were finished I felt pretty woozy (blood sugar was low) and my shoulders tingled with pain, but I don't mind. The wooziness and pain is reminder that I am still alive -- of this I am very thankful.
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